2017

-
2016 dealt me some real bullshit. But I think it's selfish to assume I'm the only one. I don't want to spend the first day of a new year going over all the obstacles the last one tree at me though.
Today I woke up in a house full of family and I will drive 3.5 hours to a house I live in with my best friends (and will also be met by my boyfriend, my other best friend). I'm kind of ecstatic about the possibilities this year could bring.

Last night I had a panic attack though. I was worried about entering another year sick and unable to achieve my goals or even take care of myself.

I think what I am realizing today is: I don't have to take care of myself.

My lovely boyfriend who has a passion for health and fitness wants to get me back on track with eating and excericse.

My friends that I live with are a stellar emotional support system (and so are my family members)

Doctors do want to help (despite what it might seem after waiting 4 hours in an ER and being told to go home and take a bath).

I'm leaving Queen's. It wasn't the right path. And I still haven't found the right path. Hopefully I've got the right people on the journey with me to help me out.

Maybe 2017 will be better. Maybe it'll be the hardest year yet (I'm betting on this one, I've got a lot of work ahead of me), but I'm happy to try my best.

And I'm going to break down and cry a lot. And that's okay. Can't always be perfect.

Happy New Year everyone!

All the best for 2017

Jess

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

To whom it may concern at Queen's University...

-
To whom it may concern at Queen's University, I should be graduating in May.  This should be my final semester. Instead I am leaving. Two near suicide attempts and one leave of absence later, I realized you were not worth my time, money or health. A lot of it was not your fault, but a lot of it was. Firstly, your student body and staff still have so much stigma surrounding mental health and invisible illness. As a person with depression, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, I have always felt like an outsider, unable to participate in activities around campus due to illness and treated like I'm lazy and stupid by peers and profs. Your "mental health staff" I was sent to after a suicidal episode told me my dreams we too lofty and that I would never achieve them with my health conditions. Not something someone who just 12 hours earlier was considering taking her own life really needs to hear. I don't want to have to get mad or blame you, but the truth is ...
Read more

Thoughts Pre-Bell Let's Talk 2020

-
I haven’t blogged in a while, but this felt like the best platform for this stream of consciousness. Since last Bell Let’s Talk, I have discovered I had borderline personality disorder, gained some control over my disorder, and became the student I knew I could be at college. Borderline personality disorder makes sense to me; the more I learn about the disorder, the more I learn about myself and about the path to success that works for me. There are still bad days, but I like to believe the good now outweigh the bad, a situation I didn’t deem possible last Bell Let’s Talk day.   Although, I am not sure where my mind set was a year ago and I cringe at the thought of rereading old writing, so do not quote me on my memory of me.               I have always participated in Bell Let’s Talk with reckless abandon and planned to again when I saw the Facebook event pop up a couple weeks ago. I am not capable...
Read more

Suicide

-
I could very much be jinxing myself right now. But I figured, if its been a long enough time that I cannot remember what website my blog is on, I should probably update you lovely, caring people. I seem to be coming down from a suicidal episode. Unless its just the weed and once I am sober I will be back on the floor crying. But for now, I seem to be coming back into the world of the living; I showered, brushed my teeth and did the dishes. I know that seems like a basic day, not even an 8th of the chores someone should do daily, but for me (or many people with depression), that is an amazing achievement. Since Thursday evening I have been crying on and off (more on than off) for hours and hours. I have cried in every room in my apartment (including sitting the shower, with the water on) and I got to cry at school in front of all my peers. I did a phenomenal job of convincing myself life was not worth living; that everyone was burdened by me and although they'd be sad I ...
Read more