Suicide

I could very much be jinxing myself right now. But I figured, if its been a long enough time that I cannot remember what website my blog is on, I should probably update you lovely, caring people.

I seem to be coming down from a suicidal episode.

Unless its just the weed and once I am sober I will be back on the floor crying.

But for now, I seem to be coming back into the world of the living; I showered, brushed my teeth and did the dishes.

I know that seems like a basic day, not even an 8th of the chores someone should do daily, but for me (or many people with depression), that is an amazing achievement.

Since Thursday evening I have been crying on and off (more on than off) for hours and hours. I have cried in every room in my apartment (including sitting the shower, with the water on) and I got to cry at school in front of all my peers.

I did a phenomenal job of convincing myself life was not worth living; that everyone was burdened by me and although they'd be sad I was dead, but ultimately it would be a relief.

Every conversation I had with anyone fuelled the fire.  Suggestions of help hurt my feelings, silence made me mad, and avoiding people seemed the best way to survive (I was very unclear if surviving meant achieving suicide or successfully keeping myself alive- it sounds weird but hear me out). If I had to continue living with pain everyday and spending 3 months, twice a year, hating myself, crying and miserable, then was being alive really the best thing.

I decided this was as much time as I was allowed, my time is up.  I collected pills in my apartment and lined them up. In the back of my head I whispered, if nothing changes by Sunday then I would do it.

And then I realized.  I've been suicidal before. I've had the thoughts, I've called 911, I've seen doctors.  But for the first time I had a plan and a date. Never had it reached this severity.

Side note: I hate talking on the phone.  And when you're sobbing so hard you can't breathe you really really really do not want to call a stranger and dole out your life story.  AND SO you see why crisis phone lines are not really appealing.

BUT there are online crisis chat lines! For us socially shy people.

So I went googling to find someone, anyone to help me.

I found 6 or 7 websites with crisis chats or suicide help lines (for Ontario).

One had someone online.

I filled out the survey online and waited for someone to join the chat and talk me off the ledge.

An hour went by.

Nothing.

Medical marijuana saved my life though... luckily I had some cannabis oil pills and took a few and within the hour waiting I because high enough that the terrible thoughts weren't racing anymore.  I chilled out and went to sleep.

Great sleep.

But I rolled out of bed and started sobbing again, for no reason!

I had a tab left open from one of the self help websites, and that chat was online just lucky enough for me.

Fill out their little survey.  Wait about 2 minutes.  And Alex the volunteer comes into the chat.

Being a psychology major, I know exactly what dear Alex is doing trying to calm me down.

Alex the volunteer validates my feelings, paraphrases what I've said and repeats it back, and somehow, with some wizardry, motivates me to do one self-care thing (toast/eat a bagel), which calms me down and gives time for more weed to kick in.

Am I self medicating? Yes. Well technically no, a doctor gave me the weed, ANYWAY.
Marijuana > suicide so pick your battles people.

Alex the volunteer takes my email and asks if I want someone to check in in a few days. I agree and we sign off. Yay Alex the volunteer.

Day goes well. Nap, food, Netflix.

I shut down everything to go to bed, and the crying starts.

So I return to my computer, fill out the imalive.org chat form and wait for a couple minutes.

Now either everyone there is named Alex or Alex the volunteer had a long day at volunteer work because Alex the volunteer comes into my chat and chills me out again much the same way as before.

Sleep happens. I've cried today but haven't gone to seek Alex the volunteer's help.  Is it because of marijuana? Probably.

I am very freaked out about how I am going to some how level out my emotions because this is an out of control roller coaster and I am very stressed.


But I am so so so proud of myself.

Because I have had the worst 3 days of my life.  And I have been alone in my apartment for that whole time, making a mess and crying.

But I am clean and my dishes are clean and I am 2 steps closer to an upswing in mood.

Still, I'm extremely frustrated that these down swings keep happening, and I really do not want to live a life where I'm stuck with them constantly hitting me and wrecking pretty much everything good in my life (My marks have plummeted at school, I quit my job, pretty sure my boyfriend hates me, etc.)

Trying to stay positive is almost impossible right now, but my sink is empty... and I have cutlery for my next meal. So I guess that is something.


Sorry for having not written in so long. In truth, it was because I had been doing so well for so long, and then as things started to fall apart I was trying to desperately hold things together.

Thanks for still reading and still caring

Also, please do not read this and then reach out with "You should have called me, I'm always here".  I did not call because I was not comfortable calling, and odds are you're going to make me feel guilty because now I know you feel uncomfortable that I want to die.

So please do not make me feel worse.

Thanks.