Thoughts Pre-Bell Let's Talk 2020

I haven’t blogged in a while, but this felt like the best platform for this stream of consciousness.

Since last Bell Let’s Talk, I have discovered I had borderline personality disorder, gained some control over my disorder, and became the student I knew I could be at college. Borderline personality disorder makes sense to me; the more I learn about the disorder, the more I learn about myself and about the path to success that works for me. There are still bad days, but I like to believe the good now outweigh the bad, a situation I didn’t deem possible last Bell Let’s Talk day.  Although, I am not sure where my mind set was a year ago and I cringe at the thought of rereading old writing, so do not quote me on my memory of me.  

            I have always participated in Bell Let’s Talk with reckless abandon and planned to again when I saw the Facebook event pop up a couple weeks ago. I am not capable of following through.

            Sunday, my BPSYC family at college learned one of our classmates had died. A guy we had spent the better part of three years with having class discussions and complaining about teachers’ grading. I wasn’t close with Matt; I honestly don’t know if we had a one-on-one conversation with him ever. You’ll be amazed the presence someone has in your life, even if you didn’t have a one-on-one conversation with them.

            As BPSYC processed our loss, many classmates shared the same thoughts in memorial:

“I’ll miss his smile in class”

“His laugh could light up a room”

“He was so compassionate and supportive of everyone he came across”

“Matt was kind”

“He wanted to help people”

            And it’s all true. It’s exactly how I thought about Matt because that was who he was. Losing Matt is not something BPSYC will get over, certainly not those of us in his year. For right now, its he's with us in the silent tears at the back of lecture rooms, the happy memories we share over tequila at the pub, and the flag outside at half-mast. Over time, he will sit in every class with us, he will walk across the stage with us, and he will influence the careers we choose and the people we help. 

            Many of my classmates were much closer with Matt than me, and I can only imagine what they must feel or how much this hurts. My heart aches for his family back in his hometown. One of his friends said, very wisely, that grief is individualized, and we will all go through it however it may come. No matter the degree Matt was in your life, he left a lasting positive impact, and his loss is devastating.

            I don’t think Matt knew how many of us noticed his kindness and cared about his presence in class. The truth is none of us really know how far our influence can touch or how many lives will fracture when we’re gone.

            What this comes down to is that usually, I post as many Bell Let’s Talk posts as I can. I cannot do that today. This will be my only post this year, the night before, as I grieve with my BPSYC family. Any one of us would give up an evening to have Matt back, and I know they would give up one for you, but for now we give up our evenings for us. And for our memories of Matt. We need to take care of ourselves this year, as our family pieces itself back together, just a little bit more broken than before.

Bell Let’s Talk about how much this hurts, and how that’s okay.