On the Phone
I was awoken abruptly at 7:44 by my phone ringing. I immediately thought I had slept in and that it was 9am. You see, I had a job interview this morning. On the phone. At 9am.
It was for a Summer Camp, a job I'm not even sure I can take (depending on my recovery), but I need the experience interviewing regardless.
The problem is it is very hard for me to get up and be alert by 9am. The depression causes severe exhaustion. My muscles ache and if I stand or walk too long I get nauseous and have to sit down for the rest of the day. So I can sleep 12+ hours a night and then have a 2 hour nap in the afternoon (which I usually feel guilty about). But by 9am I was wide awake because some large appliance company called me at 7:44 and scared me shitless.
The second problem is I'm terrified of the phone. I'm not even sure why. It can ring with someone I know in the caller ID and I'm still so anxious I contemplate picking it up. Maybe it's my generation that's so used to texting and never having real conversations. I think it's because I can screw up in a phone call. When I'm nervous I stutter or I say the first thing that comes to mind. If I text, I can edit and re-edit what I want to say. Most of the time I let the phone ring. Unless the caller ID says "Mom" or "Work" (when I had a job) or you and I have planned a phone call, I won't answer. I guess that's why I've never won a "Free" Cruise. Damn.
But waiting for a call from a potential employer is the most nerve-wracking thing. In my head, I go over all the things I could say or should say or won't say. "Should I even get out of bed?" Thoughts race through my mind at warped speeds and before long I want to throw up. (A lot of things make me nauseous as you'll probably notice... Doctor's insist it's my body getting used to a drug. Or getting used to not taking a drug anymore. Lovely.)
And then the phone rings. (How many rings should I let it go through before I pick up? (I don't want to seem too eager... or do I?)) Answering the phone feels like diving off a cliff head first: sure, you have a bungee cord, but it's kind of old and could probably maybe break. But I've pushed the answer button so I take a deep breath and: "Hello?" which is probably a highly unprofessional way to answer the phone but "Hello, Jessica Brown speaking" feels weird in my mouth.
I did the interview with my dog in my lap. Which is pretty impressive because he's an almost 90 lbs golden retriever who thinks the only things in life or eating and napping.
Because I have a background in teaching swimming and skiing to kids of all ages, the interviewer said I was a star applicant. Major confidence boost. He said he would look for a position for me. Fingers crossed. And fingers crossed I'm healthy by then.
In other news, I made dinner last night for my family. It took like 2 hours and was exhausting, but it turned out well according to them. Food tastes pretty much all the same to me... like dirt. The depression makes eating unappealing, yet somehow you can still eat an entire batch of cupcakes and then feel even worse about yourself. (Alcohol makes me feel like I'm dying after about half a drink, in case you were wondering).
That's all for now. If you scroll to the bottom of the blog, I've added a space where you can enter your email and get notifications when I post again. Please subscribe! Or share with your people. Or both?
9 more sleeps till Jamaica :)
It was for a Summer Camp, a job I'm not even sure I can take (depending on my recovery), but I need the experience interviewing regardless.
The problem is it is very hard for me to get up and be alert by 9am. The depression causes severe exhaustion. My muscles ache and if I stand or walk too long I get nauseous and have to sit down for the rest of the day. So I can sleep 12+ hours a night and then have a 2 hour nap in the afternoon (which I usually feel guilty about). But by 9am I was wide awake because some large appliance company called me at 7:44 and scared me shitless.
The second problem is I'm terrified of the phone. I'm not even sure why. It can ring with someone I know in the caller ID and I'm still so anxious I contemplate picking it up. Maybe it's my generation that's so used to texting and never having real conversations. I think it's because I can screw up in a phone call. When I'm nervous I stutter or I say the first thing that comes to mind. If I text, I can edit and re-edit what I want to say. Most of the time I let the phone ring. Unless the caller ID says "Mom" or "Work" (when I had a job) or you and I have planned a phone call, I won't answer. I guess that's why I've never won a "Free" Cruise. Damn.
But waiting for a call from a potential employer is the most nerve-wracking thing. In my head, I go over all the things I could say or should say or won't say. "Should I even get out of bed?" Thoughts race through my mind at warped speeds and before long I want to throw up. (A lot of things make me nauseous as you'll probably notice... Doctor's insist it's my body getting used to a drug. Or getting used to not taking a drug anymore. Lovely.)
And then the phone rings. (How many rings should I let it go through before I pick up? (I don't want to seem too eager... or do I?)) Answering the phone feels like diving off a cliff head first: sure, you have a bungee cord, but it's kind of old and could probably maybe break. But I've pushed the answer button so I take a deep breath and: "Hello?" which is probably a highly unprofessional way to answer the phone but "Hello, Jessica Brown speaking" feels weird in my mouth.
I did the interview with my dog in my lap. Which is pretty impressive because he's an almost 90 lbs golden retriever who thinks the only things in life or eating and napping.
Because I have a background in teaching swimming and skiing to kids of all ages, the interviewer said I was a star applicant. Major confidence boost. He said he would look for a position for me. Fingers crossed. And fingers crossed I'm healthy by then.
In other news, I made dinner last night for my family. It took like 2 hours and was exhausting, but it turned out well according to them. Food tastes pretty much all the same to me... like dirt. The depression makes eating unappealing, yet somehow you can still eat an entire batch of cupcakes and then feel even worse about yourself. (Alcohol makes me feel like I'm dying after about half a drink, in case you were wondering).
That's all for now. If you scroll to the bottom of the blog, I've added a space where you can enter your email and get notifications when I post again. Please subscribe! Or share with your people. Or both?
9 more sleeps till Jamaica :)
Ally Zim recommended your blog and I'm glad I read this. Nicely written, congrats!
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