What Does a Bad Day Look Like?

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Today was hard... Acquaintances continually invite me to events on Facebook taking place back in Kingston: Bar parties, Campus-wide snowball fights, Beavertail Sales... Not being there is extremely hard.. that's where most of my supportive friends are.  Luckily, they're amazing and message me in our group message everyday, about class, assignments, roommates, frivolous stuff, our england plans.  I don't know if I could manage without them.  

Truth is the only person that really texts me is my mom.  I haven't seen my phone all day and it doesn't really make a difference.  I have a fear that as time goes on, and I don't get better, that I'll lose more people.  I've had a lot of people try to fix me.  Or think they could make me feel better.  Its never going to be that simple.

I'm always going to be on at least 2 drugs.  I'll probably always need a psychologist.

Health care people and I have been throwing around a Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis but I've been told it's too early to diagnose by the psychiatrist in Kingston, as I'm a teenager and still figuring out who I am and what I want.  All I know is I'm tired and I want to be better.  ASAP.  It's like fighting a battle with my brain everyday... and I am losing.  After 5 years, it's a battle that has completely worn me out.  I guess that's why I'm home now.   But really, I don't know how much longer I can going on fighting when I feel this bad.  Something has to change.

I've also watched all my friends renew their leases or sign new ones, and my frosh that I mentor have all been signing their first lease.  I haven't even looked because we have no idea if I'll be back in Kingston/when I'll be back in Kingston.  It's devastating watching people move forward with their lives while I seem stuck in neutral here.

Not to mention I feel guilty for freeloading off my parents... I often do not have the energy to do dishes or help clean the house.  I sleep a lot.  Eat their food.  Make a mess.  And now the facility I will probably be admitted to in the near future is going to cost them about as much as an entire year of university would cost.  For 6 weeks of treatment.

Truth is I'm scared about being admitted.  What if I can't get out of bed for their "activities"? Or if everyone is older than me?  If I can't make friends and spend 6 weeks attending group therapy with strangers?  What if it doesn't work?

If it doesn't work, I kiss my England trip and a lot of money goodbye.

Oh, and I don't know if I mentioned before, but I am taking an online College course through St. Lawrence College to keep me busy.  It's on criminal psychology and behaviour, which is where my interests really lie.  It's going well, super interesting.  But I have to start a 10 page paper really soon, and procrastination is really hard to overcome for me.  Luckily it's a topic I can sink my teeth into.

I booked flights for my England trip today.  I'm staying positive, chances are I will be able to improve my situation even a little bit, and then can go to England with my close friends and support team, and continue treatment when I get home.  But cross your fingers I am healthy and happy for May 7th!

Thank you for reading and spreading mental health awareness,  please break the stigma so people don't feel lazy or guilty for being seriously ill.

Jess  

Comments

  1. Unknown10 Feb 2015, 23:21:00

    Wow. Someone who understands the REAL struggles... Thank you for sharing this Jess.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jess Brown12 Feb 2015, 15:55:00

    Thank you!

    ReplyDelete

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