England Update

-
hey everyone, my final fees for my England trip are due and I am feeling the anxiety.  I was looking at the schedule for last year's trip and there are 8 hour days for excavation.  I know right now there is no way I could handle that.  I'm hoping in a month I will be, but that is a huge risk to take.  I am so nervous and really don't want to miss out on this opportunity with some of the greatest friends I have ever had.

It also freaks me out that I don't have the official schedule till I get there so scheduling things like naps or meds will be difficult and can't be done ahead of time.

I think a schedule, doing something I love is what I really need right now but if I don't have the energy I don't know what to do.

I meet with the fibromyalgia specialist in a week, but even if I am diagnosed with that there isn't much in the way of treatment that will be different.

The next month will be me pushing to last 8 hour busy days. Without overdoing it.  Great.  My therapist suggested I do a sleep study... I have to ask my doctor about it when I see her tuesday.

I really want to cry because I am stressed about deciding what to do with my trip.  I really dont want to turn it down but if I physically can't do it I will be devastated.  My mood has been so good lately but this has really got me down.

Hope you all are doing better than I am,

Love Jess

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

To whom it may concern at Queen's University...

-
To whom it may concern at Queen's University, I should be graduating in May.  This should be my final semester. Instead I am leaving. Two near suicide attempts and one leave of absence later, I realized you were not worth my time, money or health. A lot of it was not your fault, but a lot of it was. Firstly, your student body and staff still have so much stigma surrounding mental health and invisible illness. As a person with depression, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, I have always felt like an outsider, unable to participate in activities around campus due to illness and treated like I'm lazy and stupid by peers and profs. Your "mental health staff" I was sent to after a suicidal episode told me my dreams we too lofty and that I would never achieve them with my health conditions. Not something someone who just 12 hours earlier was considering taking her own life really needs to hear. I don't want to have to get mad or blame you, but the truth is ...
Read more

Thoughts Pre-Bell Let's Talk 2020

-
I haven’t blogged in a while, but this felt like the best platform for this stream of consciousness. Since last Bell Let’s Talk, I have discovered I had borderline personality disorder, gained some control over my disorder, and became the student I knew I could be at college. Borderline personality disorder makes sense to me; the more I learn about the disorder, the more I learn about myself and about the path to success that works for me. There are still bad days, but I like to believe the good now outweigh the bad, a situation I didn’t deem possible last Bell Let’s Talk day.   Although, I am not sure where my mind set was a year ago and I cringe at the thought of rereading old writing, so do not quote me on my memory of me.               I have always participated in Bell Let’s Talk with reckless abandon and planned to again when I saw the Facebook event pop up a couple weeks ago. I am not capable...
Read more

Suicide

-
I could very much be jinxing myself right now. But I figured, if its been a long enough time that I cannot remember what website my blog is on, I should probably update you lovely, caring people. I seem to be coming down from a suicidal episode. Unless its just the weed and once I am sober I will be back on the floor crying. But for now, I seem to be coming back into the world of the living; I showered, brushed my teeth and did the dishes. I know that seems like a basic day, not even an 8th of the chores someone should do daily, but for me (or many people with depression), that is an amazing achievement. Since Thursday evening I have been crying on and off (more on than off) for hours and hours. I have cried in every room in my apartment (including sitting the shower, with the water on) and I got to cry at school in front of all my peers. I did a phenomenal job of convincing myself life was not worth living; that everyone was burdened by me and although they'd be sad I ...
Read more