Life beats you up and then kicks you while you're down

-
Hello all,

I am not doing so well.
School is hard.  Work is hard. Pain is back. Depression is raging.

A few weeks ago I was in a small car accident.  No damage to the car but I got whiplash.  I went to the doctor after a week of pain in my shoulders and neck and she sent me for x-rays, which came back normal.  Three weeks later I'm still in pain.

BUT in addition to the pain in my shoulders:
my suicidal ideations are back
the fatigue is making it hard to get up and get to class
my hips hurt like crazy
I cry almost every day
my focus is completely gone
the light at the end of the depression tunnel has completely gone out
I feel like I'm trudging through jello instead of air (everything takes more effort)
and
my motivation to do anything has disappeared

So after 2 hours in a walk in clinic, I walked out with a prescription for Lyrica to combat the pain and a referral to see a psychiatrist.  In January.  Gee, thanks, I'll just try to keep myself alive for 2 more months.

The Lyrica is known to help fibro patients but it as the unfortunately side effect of mental cloudiness.
I know, how helpful.
But the pain is really getting to me so it is worth trying.  And maybe if the pain is managed my mood will lift slightly.  Right? RIGHT?

I'm struggling in school and work makes the pain worse, so the stress levels are high.

Financially I cannot support myself at all: I barely manage to work 16 hours a week which amounts to very little money.

My worry at this point is that I wont make the grades to get into the psychology major program, and then I'll be kind of stuck in my degree.  It is very disheartening wanting to go to law school so damn badly but knowing I will never/ can never get there because of the pain and brain fog interfering with my life in ever aspect.

My future looks murky at this point and I feel very lost.

My one bit of good news is I have a boyfriend who is amazingly supportive and understanding.  He is truly exactly what I didn't know I needed in my life and I am extremely thankful he seems to like me as much as I like him.
He will be meeting my parents this weekend.

I am very excited to roadtrip back home for the weekend to cuddle with my dog, possibly cry to my mom and see the rest of the famjam.
Hopefully it lifts my mood.

Anyway,
thanks so much for reading and caring,
it means a lot to me.

Jess






Comments

  1. Anonymous23 Nov 2016, 19:31:00

    Hope you're doing well even when things start to look grim, try not to forget those around you who care and support you

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

To whom it may concern at Queen's University...

-
To whom it may concern at Queen's University, I should be graduating in May.  This should be my final semester. Instead I am leaving. Two near suicide attempts and one leave of absence later, I realized you were not worth my time, money or health. A lot of it was not your fault, but a lot of it was. Firstly, your student body and staff still have so much stigma surrounding mental health and invisible illness. As a person with depression, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, I have always felt like an outsider, unable to participate in activities around campus due to illness and treated like I'm lazy and stupid by peers and profs. Your "mental health staff" I was sent to after a suicidal episode told me my dreams we too lofty and that I would never achieve them with my health conditions. Not something someone who just 12 hours earlier was considering taking her own life really needs to hear. I don't want to have to get mad or blame you, but the truth is ...
Read more

Thoughts Pre-Bell Let's Talk 2020

-
I haven’t blogged in a while, but this felt like the best platform for this stream of consciousness. Since last Bell Let’s Talk, I have discovered I had borderline personality disorder, gained some control over my disorder, and became the student I knew I could be at college. Borderline personality disorder makes sense to me; the more I learn about the disorder, the more I learn about myself and about the path to success that works for me. There are still bad days, but I like to believe the good now outweigh the bad, a situation I didn’t deem possible last Bell Let’s Talk day.   Although, I am not sure where my mind set was a year ago and I cringe at the thought of rereading old writing, so do not quote me on my memory of me.               I have always participated in Bell Let’s Talk with reckless abandon and planned to again when I saw the Facebook event pop up a couple weeks ago. I am not capable...
Read more

Suicide

-
I could very much be jinxing myself right now. But I figured, if its been a long enough time that I cannot remember what website my blog is on, I should probably update you lovely, caring people. I seem to be coming down from a suicidal episode. Unless its just the weed and once I am sober I will be back on the floor crying. But for now, I seem to be coming back into the world of the living; I showered, brushed my teeth and did the dishes. I know that seems like a basic day, not even an 8th of the chores someone should do daily, but for me (or many people with depression), that is an amazing achievement. Since Thursday evening I have been crying on and off (more on than off) for hours and hours. I have cried in every room in my apartment (including sitting the shower, with the water on) and I got to cry at school in front of all my peers. I did a phenomenal job of convincing myself life was not worth living; that everyone was burdened by me and although they'd be sad I ...
Read more