Looking Ahead

Hey friends!

I am busy busy busy.

I am currently job hunting and working hard to be organized at home.

I have a task managing list where I prioritize all the tasks I have for the day and then work from the most important to the least.

Here's an example (it fills up throughout the day).

I am also keeping a daily planner and a budget book, organize organize organize.

This is all with the hope that once school starts in September I'll have a routine and my apartment can stay tidy and lovely.

I signed a lease for my own apartment, did I tell you? Zeus and I will be on our own May 1st.

I am waiting for an acceptance for a program at St Lawrence but I got into my back up program there so I am still pretty happy.

I cut my hair.  Like a lot.  See below before and afters:

Its been exciting, but not at all a smooth little while.

I was doing very well while in the outpatient program at KGH.  I enjoyed it and it was a good refresher of the stuff I already knew from previous private therapy sessions. I didn't learn a whole lot of new stuff though.

Now I'm down though I am stress beyond belief about school, work, money, my weight and the always looming feeling of not being good enough.

I cry often.  Thank you to my lovely boyfriend who is always there to tell me not to worry about the future (which isn't really all that helpful, but I'm in a good enough place that I understand he's trying his best to help with his logical thinking brain).

I feel so overwhelmed with the fact the pain will probably be with me for life. Will I be able to work a full time job ever? Can I ever handle running around after a hyperactive toddler? Can I ever raise a puppy that I want to so desperately?

There's always so many thoughts running through my mind fuelled by extreme pain from sitting, walking, getting up, climbing stairs, etc.

My hips have been relatively okay lately so naturally the pain has moved to my knees. And once we work on my knees I'm sure it'll move somewhere else. And even if we treat the intense pain caused by tight muscles, there will always be the exhausted/achy/terrible pain caused by working to hard or walking too far.

Its so frustrating.

So frustrating.

I am so tired of the pain and of the depression clouding every thought.

The stress becomes too much almost every night.  Luckily not so terrible that self harm is considered, but I try not to be alone at night to avoid impulses.

I have an appointment with my fibro doctor mid-March. Hopefully we can come up with a new strategy.  The pain seems to slowly increase, but it could be in correlation with the depression.

Just barely holding on. But putting on a face like I've got it all together.

That's all I've got for today.

Thanks to my biggest fan for reminding me I have a blog every so often, you're wonderful girl, stay strong.

Have a great evening everyone