The other shoe

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With chronic illness I find I am always waiting for something to go wrong whenever I'm having a good spell.  I know this is extremely unhealthy and makes life more stressful, but my brain has been trained to believe something will always go wrong eventually.

So the other shoe dropped yesterday.  And it continues to drag me down today.

My knees are in agony.  So much so I went to the ER yesterday.  The doctor said I probably had patella femoral syndrome which basically means my quads are not equally strong and they're causing my kneecaps to grind against the bone underneath.  So I have to build muscle.  Which would be easy if exercise didn't make the pain all the more worse.

I'm feeling the despair. The "I can't do this anymore".  I can barely move my legs.  Climbing stairs is causes so much pain.

The hardest part is people's suggestions.  I don't want to hear what you think will work.  I just want the pain to stop.  Which sounds contradictory but in my head I've tried so much and nothing is working, and so many doctors have given up on looking for solutions, that I pretty much feel like I should just suffer in silence.

Which no one should have to do.

But telling me what worked for you is not helping me.  Because I am not you.  

Sorry I am all over the place today, I'm exhausted and delirious with pain.

I just feel like nothing is working; that it's a lost cause.

A huge problem is my motivation is non-existent.  You'd think my brain would push me to do anything that could possibly help the pain but instead it actively forgets to do exercises from my physio, or I convince myself I'll do them later.

This behaviour is killing me but I cannot break it.  Because then I'm in more pain and the depression gets worse and the depression fuels the avoidance of anything helpful. Its a vicious cycle. And I'm drowning in it.

Maybe I'm scared of hurting myself more if I do the exercise? I don't know what it is but I am so frustrated and you'd think that would motivate me? Nope.

It just makes me hate myself.  Am I lazy? I try not to believe I am.

I just don't know what to do.

I feel like so much is wrong with me and it is all so unfixable.

Life is impossible.


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