Heyyo I feel bad

Hey loyal people who are still looking out for me,

You guys are the real MVPs.

I have been feeling so so so down.  And I caught a cold. Yay.

I went to the hospital recently because I felt like a danger to myself.  They referred me to a mental health walk in clinic that specializes in crises.

It only took me like a week and a half to actually get my butt to the clinic but they got me a psychiatrist appointment in a week and a half which I think is truly what I need; my meds don't seem to be touching the darkness lately.

Very few of my clothes still fit.  Food has always been a crutch for me and when I am depressed I eat crap. And way too much.  So the dark hole I've been sucked into has made me fat.  Well, I made myself fat. But either way it is frustrating and upsetting.  And trying on clothes so that I have some that fit in my closet, is frustrating and upsetting because H&M and American Eagle and all the trendy stores don't have big girl sizes so you end up stuck in a shirt that says its a large but really fits like a small-medium and thats how you have a panic attack in a change room because you're shopping by yourself and who the hell is going to help you get out of this freaking shirt?!

I got out of the shirt.  I only almost cried.

But it was horrible.

And now that I think about it... It was the shoulders and boobs that didn't fit.  Yes I have large boobs but really?? My shoulders are too fat for your shirts H&M? Screw you.

So I mustered all the courage I had and realized these stupid teeny-bopper stores are ust perpetuating the media's standard of perfectly shaped women, and walked across the hall of the mall to the grown up stores.  Reitmans saved my day.  Pants in sizes larger than a 12?! Thank god.  A large, fitted dress that hides my tummy? Oh yeah baby.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being thin.  Because I bet the teeny-bopper smalls don't fit you either.  They're probably too damn small or expect you to have a tiny waist and big boobs, or he pant legs are too long or too short because no one is built the same! Reitmans has a petite section for you.  Maybe that could help.  Or the small sizes will be more realistic.

Or be happy shopping at H&M but do not preach it as the best store because their product caused me to (almost (yes almost, no word of a lie)) cry in their change room.

And that's not fair.



In happier news I got my schedule for school and my booklist, so I distracted myself with buying textbooks and outfits for my new computer set to arrive today.


AND I reorganized my office so hopefully my brain says "Hey this room is super cool, lets get down to business in here!" (Not to defeat the huns though, I ain't strong enough for a fight right now)-- That's a lie, I am in constant battle with the depression in my brain so I'm not strong enough for ANOTHER fight right now.

My cat thinks my desk is the perfect bed for him, even though I have a cat bed right beside it in the window sill. We'll have to work that out before study time starts.
To spite me he just got in the cat bed.  Thanks for not proving my point bud.

Still excited for school. Waiting anxiously and excitedly for every little thing to become available online: "when can I purchase parking" "when will my accessibility letter come to my email" And then there's the first day: meeting new people, learning new things, experiencing a new environment.  Whoops I just freaked myself out there. One day at a time champ.

I think that's all I have to ramble on about today,

Thanks for reading through the whole thing <3

ess-- my stupid keyboard doesn't work, hence the new computer...  I had to autocorrect everything but apparently my name isn't a word.


EDIT:  I completely forgot to thank my managers at DavidsTea for being the most understanding and supportive over the last little while.  They covered 2 of my shifts this week to allow me to get back on my feet and have offered to help anyway they can-- Happy relief tears actually flowed.

I am so lucky to be a part of the DavidsTea family

Also thank you to whoever took my shifts this week, you probably didn't even know why, but you're a life saver.