Things Have Changed
Hey Fam, it's been awhile.
About a year actually, which I apologize for; life has been hectic and topsy-turvy. But I'm back with large updates.
The thing I love about writing this blog is it helps me process a lot of things, through writing out my thoughts I understand how I am feeling about news, diagnoses, and all sorts of things.
A new diagnosis? Is that what you're teasing Jess? Keep reading, learn more my friend.
SO in the last year I have done my first placement with my Behavioural Psych program, brought my grades back up to 80s-90s, developed new mood symptoms that do not relate to depression in any way, and had my joint pain become so severe I started falling. Like an old woman. Like I cannot get up for 10+ minutes when I fall.
Not pleasant.
So let us unpack all that.
Placement was good! I learned a lot about behaviour therapy and myself. I was in a kindergarten class in a low socio-economic status area. I have always enjoyed working with kids and this was no exception. I also worked with the most understanding group of humans. I felt so supported in that environment, i wish I could work kindergarten forever. But alas, that is not in the cards...
I am doing well in school. I have not done this well since I was 14. It feels really good, which is in part why my depressive episodes have not been nearly as severe as they have been before during the winter.
MOOD TIME
BUT, of course, theres always a but this is chronic illness, I now have what I (and my psychiatrist) would classify has hypo-manic symptoms, which are indicative of Bipolar II disorder.
What, pray tell, are these new super cool, super fun mood symptoms?
He did not say flat out it was bipolar, I think for fear of scaring me? Which, not gunna happen bud, I already knew. He did say my symptoms did not coincide with simply Major Depression Disorder which was enough for me. He added a mood stabilizer and I am still waiting for this to kick in.
Wait Jess. Those symptoms go above and beyond Bipolar II! Yeah I know. But i approached the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis with a different psychiatrist and she told me I was silly so I have a fear of bringing it up again.
Most days the intense anger is very hard to control though which is, understandably, very frightening for me.
Luckily my super smart super supportive boyfriend can see through when the anger is real or when it is seemingly trigger-less. And, at the risk of making me more angry by not taking my anger seriously, he somehow always makes me laugh or chill out. What a hero.
He is also the only person who can take me out of a panic attack with breathing and laughing. He basically conditioned me to do it myself. Legit smartest man.
JOINT PAIN
Yeah you didn't think I'd just calmly skip over me falling down all the time right? A nurse did yesterday. That felt great.
Background time: I was born breach. Butt first. I was a shit disturber as an unborn child. Mostly my own shit (ahahaha, sorry mom). Anyway, the delivery doctor noticed my left hip was completely dislocate-able which is NOT normal in a baby so I was sent for ultrasounds. At 11 days old I was fitted for a Pavlik Harness to help BOTH hips because neither of them formed correctly, the left being much worse. This is called hip dysplasia.
Harness Harness Harness for 3 months, got the all clear, took it off, followed up at 7 months and 1 year as I learned to walk, discharged from the ortho (BONE) doctor's care.
Well that would be all well and good if our skeletons stopped developing at 1 year old. Turns out they don't. WHO KNEW.
Hip dysplasia can return. Usually around age 5-6. Some doctors think if hip dysplasia has been cured, the child should be monitored until 7. Some disagree and say they should be monitored until skeletal maturity, which in women is 12-15.
I was not. Is this anyone's fault? Not really. Most of this research and advice is new information. With most instances of hip dysplasia, the doctor misses it in infant-hood and they discover it at 5 years old. So I was half lucky. I guess.
My hips started hurting around age 14 while i was rowing competitively. I misinterpreted much of the pain as back pain. Everything so connected it is very hard to narrow down what specific ligament is hurting.
Assuming the hip dysplasia was not completely fixed, or returned around puberty I would have compensated for hip instability or pain in both my walk and my rowing stroke and that is how I injured my back in the grade 11 rowing season. And would explain why my knees hurt to walk now.
So ANYWAY. NOW.
For the last 3ish weeks I have had a feeling of my hip 'catching' and it hurts. Like a lot. Like 8.7/10. And sometimes it will be a 12/10. The 12 makes me fall. My whole leg gives out. It takes 5-10 minutes for the pain to subside enough for me to get up. That's bad.
So I went off to my family doctor. I saw a resident. He did a move your joint around physical and it didn't hurt (because he was new and was so scared to touch me he barely moved the joint, not to mention the hip is a load bearing joint so me lying down and you wiggling my leg is not going to hurt as much as walking). "I don't know, what did you come here wanting us to do?" UH FIND OUT WHY IM FALLING DOWN.
He leave, long chat with the attending. She comes in, him trailing behind. Asks about my previous treatment for the hip dysplasia. Explain. Well it might just be tight ligaments but we'll send you for an x-ray and then if we still come up with nothing and MRI.
Alright, someone is looking sweet.
Did the x-ray. Waited 3 days. Pain gets worse. Cool.
Call the doctor's office. The receptionist checks if they have my xrays, "ah yes we had something come in on the 5th" (that was 3 days ago). GREAT WHATS IT SAY. "Let me just see if theres a note on it..................
......
"I am going to forward you to our nurse's machine, she's busy so leave a message and she'll get back to you". Holy moly its bone cancer.
Forwarded to the nurse's answering machine. Leave a message.
I do so much research and learn about hip dysplasia making a comeback. This is it folks. I found it. I learned why I hurt so much. But part if it is not getting your hopes up.
Honestly the worst possible outcome at this point is seeing nothing in the images. Nothing in the images means I'm faking. I'm a drug addict. The doctors send me to physiotherapy and hopefully never hear from me again. It has happened to me a lot.
So I wait for the nurse to call back
And wait
and I wait
and suddenly the office closes for the weekend in 2 hours and I need to go to class so I call back.
And wouldn't you know it the nurse answers on the first ring?
(moral here: trust no one)
"Okay let me just see alright so the joint is stable, formed correctly, evidence of osteoarthritis, UNINTELLIGIBLE MUMBLING OF THE REST OF THE RESULTS CUZ HOLD UP LADY"
I did not hear anything after she just skimmed by me having degenerative arthritis. AT TWENTY THREE.
Me: So what now, Dr. Shultz said we might do an MRI?
Nurse: Well we can see the arthritis so we probably don't need the MRI...
Me: Okay but it's only getting worse. It's already worse than the day they took the x-ray.
Nurse: Okay well, as it progresses you might have to use advil or tylenol
Me: I am. As much as I am allowed to take in a day. Everyday. AND Naproxen. Which I know will burn a hole in my stomach and wreck both my liver and my kidneys
Nurse: oh... well I'll send the doctor a message and let her know all that.
Me: uhhh okay -stunned-
Nurse: Okay goodbye.
Images are expensive and with free health care I just got thrown at the bottom of the priority heap. No one believed it was a mechanical issue. It's fibromyalgia its all in your head!
GUESS WHAT SUCKERS
My bones are grinding on each other and in order to deal with the pain I ruined my back and my knees so I hope you feel bad for not believing me thank you good night.
I AM GOOD ENOUGH I AM JUST BROKEN
There's that anger. You're welcome.
Any who, Jess gets to walk with a cane from now on in case she starts to fall, meaning white ableists won't yell at me for parking in a handicap spot.
I will also have to put A LOT of effort into losing weight, which will help slow down the bone damage. And every treatment option involves a lot of physio.
That's life I guess. But if a double hip replacement gives me a better chance at going to the gym and weight lifting, hiking mountains, and playing with my future kids I am 100% in. All the way.
Let's git er done, as we Canadians say.
Thanks for reading all that garbage after a year of silence. Y'all are angels and are a part of my support system.
I apologize for any spelling errors, the brain fog is intense this week. My BF put a pillow on my head 3 minutes ago and I just noticed. So yeah thats where I'm at.
Love you guys forever and ever
Unless you thought my pain was fake then I think my bad language is justified when I say F*CK YOU.
Okay bye.
Jess
About a year actually, which I apologize for; life has been hectic and topsy-turvy. But I'm back with large updates.
The thing I love about writing this blog is it helps me process a lot of things, through writing out my thoughts I understand how I am feeling about news, diagnoses, and all sorts of things.
A new diagnosis? Is that what you're teasing Jess? Keep reading, learn more my friend.
SO in the last year I have done my first placement with my Behavioural Psych program, brought my grades back up to 80s-90s, developed new mood symptoms that do not relate to depression in any way, and had my joint pain become so severe I started falling. Like an old woman. Like I cannot get up for 10+ minutes when I fall.
Not pleasant.
So let us unpack all that.
Placement was good! I learned a lot about behaviour therapy and myself. I was in a kindergarten class in a low socio-economic status area. I have always enjoyed working with kids and this was no exception. I also worked with the most understanding group of humans. I felt so supported in that environment, i wish I could work kindergarten forever. But alas, that is not in the cards...
I am doing well in school. I have not done this well since I was 14. It feels really good, which is in part why my depressive episodes have not been nearly as severe as they have been before during the winter.
MOOD TIME
BUT, of course, theres always a but this is chronic illness, I now have what I (and my psychiatrist) would classify has hypo-manic symptoms, which are indicative of Bipolar II disorder.
What, pray tell, are these new super cool, super fun mood symptoms?
- intense anger or frustration with little to no cause that I cannot control
- impulsive behaviour, mainly driving to fast in my case
- spending money I don't have with little regard for the consequence
- dissociation (out of body experiences, where my mind is watching what I am doing but I feel I have no control over my actions)
- intense fear of abandonment
He did not say flat out it was bipolar, I think for fear of scaring me? Which, not gunna happen bud, I already knew. He did say my symptoms did not coincide with simply Major Depression Disorder which was enough for me. He added a mood stabilizer and I am still waiting for this to kick in.
Wait Jess. Those symptoms go above and beyond Bipolar II! Yeah I know. But i approached the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis with a different psychiatrist and she told me I was silly so I have a fear of bringing it up again.
Most days the intense anger is very hard to control though which is, understandably, very frightening for me.
Luckily my super smart super supportive boyfriend can see through when the anger is real or when it is seemingly trigger-less. And, at the risk of making me more angry by not taking my anger seriously, he somehow always makes me laugh or chill out. What a hero.
He is also the only person who can take me out of a panic attack with breathing and laughing. He basically conditioned me to do it myself. Legit smartest man.
JOINT PAIN
Yeah you didn't think I'd just calmly skip over me falling down all the time right? A nurse did yesterday. That felt great.
Background time: I was born breach. Butt first. I was a shit disturber as an unborn child. Mostly my own shit (ahahaha, sorry mom). Anyway, the delivery doctor noticed my left hip was completely dislocate-able which is NOT normal in a baby so I was sent for ultrasounds. At 11 days old I was fitted for a Pavlik Harness to help BOTH hips because neither of them formed correctly, the left being much worse. This is called hip dysplasia.
Harness Harness Harness for 3 months, got the all clear, took it off, followed up at 7 months and 1 year as I learned to walk, discharged from the ortho (BONE) doctor's care.
Well that would be all well and good if our skeletons stopped developing at 1 year old. Turns out they don't. WHO KNEW.
Hip dysplasia can return. Usually around age 5-6. Some doctors think if hip dysplasia has been cured, the child should be monitored until 7. Some disagree and say they should be monitored until skeletal maturity, which in women is 12-15.
I was not. Is this anyone's fault? Not really. Most of this research and advice is new information. With most instances of hip dysplasia, the doctor misses it in infant-hood and they discover it at 5 years old. So I was half lucky. I guess.
My hips started hurting around age 14 while i was rowing competitively. I misinterpreted much of the pain as back pain. Everything so connected it is very hard to narrow down what specific ligament is hurting.
Assuming the hip dysplasia was not completely fixed, or returned around puberty I would have compensated for hip instability or pain in both my walk and my rowing stroke and that is how I injured my back in the grade 11 rowing season. And would explain why my knees hurt to walk now.
So ANYWAY. NOW.
For the last 3ish weeks I have had a feeling of my hip 'catching' and it hurts. Like a lot. Like 8.7/10. And sometimes it will be a 12/10. The 12 makes me fall. My whole leg gives out. It takes 5-10 minutes for the pain to subside enough for me to get up. That's bad.
So I went off to my family doctor. I saw a resident. He did a move your joint around physical and it didn't hurt (because he was new and was so scared to touch me he barely moved the joint, not to mention the hip is a load bearing joint so me lying down and you wiggling my leg is not going to hurt as much as walking). "I don't know, what did you come here wanting us to do?" UH FIND OUT WHY IM FALLING DOWN.
He leave, long chat with the attending. She comes in, him trailing behind. Asks about my previous treatment for the hip dysplasia. Explain. Well it might just be tight ligaments but we'll send you for an x-ray and then if we still come up with nothing and MRI.
Alright, someone is looking sweet.
Did the x-ray. Waited 3 days. Pain gets worse. Cool.
Call the doctor's office. The receptionist checks if they have my xrays, "ah yes we had something come in on the 5th" (that was 3 days ago). GREAT WHATS IT SAY. "Let me just see if theres a note on it..................
......
"I am going to forward you to our nurse's machine, she's busy so leave a message and she'll get back to you". Holy moly its bone cancer.
Forwarded to the nurse's answering machine. Leave a message.
I do so much research and learn about hip dysplasia making a comeback. This is it folks. I found it. I learned why I hurt so much. But part if it is not getting your hopes up.
Honestly the worst possible outcome at this point is seeing nothing in the images. Nothing in the images means I'm faking. I'm a drug addict. The doctors send me to physiotherapy and hopefully never hear from me again. It has happened to me a lot.
So I wait for the nurse to call back
And wait
and I wait
and suddenly the office closes for the weekend in 2 hours and I need to go to class so I call back.
And wouldn't you know it the nurse answers on the first ring?
(moral here: trust no one)
"Okay let me just see alright so the joint is stable, formed correctly, evidence of osteoarthritis, UNINTELLIGIBLE MUMBLING OF THE REST OF THE RESULTS CUZ HOLD UP LADY"
I did not hear anything after she just skimmed by me having degenerative arthritis. AT TWENTY THREE.
Me: So what now, Dr. Shultz said we might do an MRI?
Nurse: Well we can see the arthritis so we probably don't need the MRI...
Me: Okay but it's only getting worse. It's already worse than the day they took the x-ray.
Nurse: Okay well, as it progresses you might have to use advil or tylenol
Me: I am. As much as I am allowed to take in a day. Everyday. AND Naproxen. Which I know will burn a hole in my stomach and wreck both my liver and my kidneys
Nurse: oh... well I'll send the doctor a message and let her know all that.
Me: uhhh okay -stunned-
Nurse: Okay goodbye.
YEAH
EXACTLY
YEAH
YEAH
So I sat in stunned silence, called my mom, and then immediately called the receptionist and asked for an appointment to speak to the doctor about this x-ray because what the hell. I'd like to be able to walk when I have children.
I do not want to be dependent on narcotics or even just Advil at 25.
So thats where I'm at. Quietly fretting and looking at options.
Hip replacement is on the table
Nurse didn't even specify one hip or both. Or the degree of damage. Or maybe she did I was just so stunned at her monotone declaration of arthritis that she clearly did not understand was in a 23 year old and not an 80 year old.
Osteoarthritis does not get better. You can manage the symptoms, you can slow it down, but if we're starting at 23 chances are these hips are out sooner or later.
And did I develop it at 6? at 12? at 17? In the last year? I don't get to know until I see the x-rays myself next week.
I do know this: I have told several doctors along this journey of both the past of hip dysplasia and current hip/sciatic pain. No one thought to image them???????
Images are expensive and with free health care I just got thrown at the bottom of the priority heap. No one believed it was a mechanical issue. It's fibromyalgia its all in your head!
GUESS WHAT SUCKERS
My bones are grinding on each other and in order to deal with the pain I ruined my back and my knees so I hope you feel bad for not believing me thank you good night.
I AM GOOD ENOUGH I AM JUST BROKEN
There's that anger. You're welcome.
Any who, Jess gets to walk with a cane from now on in case she starts to fall, meaning white ableists won't yell at me for parking in a handicap spot.
I will also have to put A LOT of effort into losing weight, which will help slow down the bone damage. And every treatment option involves a lot of physio.
That's life I guess. But if a double hip replacement gives me a better chance at going to the gym and weight lifting, hiking mountains, and playing with my future kids I am 100% in. All the way.
Let's git er done, as we Canadians say.
Thanks for reading all that garbage after a year of silence. Y'all are angels and are a part of my support system.
I apologize for any spelling errors, the brain fog is intense this week. My BF put a pillow on my head 3 minutes ago and I just noticed. So yeah thats where I'm at.
Love you guys forever and ever
Unless you thought my pain was fake then I think my bad language is justified when I say F*CK YOU.
Okay bye.
Jess
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