The Real Story of Mental/Chronic Illness as a Young Adult

Today I thought I'd try something new. I am going to try to talk you through my experience with panic attacks. Note: not all people experience panic attacks the same. Honestly, it would be really surprising if two different people experienced anything exactly the same. Unless you were clones. But then are you really two different people?  More on philosophy another time. Here we go. My panic attacks always start with a high. High energy, high excitement, high motivation. Hyper almost. It took me a long time to notice that this particular mood almost always swings down into a panic attack. Could it be the high tires me out so much my body panics? Or maybe subconsciously I wish I always had the high and the pain of coming off it and knowing it could be weeks before I am that excited and productive again triggers the attack? I don't know, I don't have a medical degree. But as we swing down I get sad. Really sad. My chest feels hollow yet heavy and my hands and feet...

Hey everyone, I hate to say I told you so.  But in 2014 I told a psychiatrist I had borderline personality disorder (BPD).  She said, nope, that's ridiculous, you're young, its 'just' depression. Alright lady.  Last week both my family doctor and my psychiatrist told me it was BPD. My family doctor was completely unprompted.  The psychiatrist I asked if it might be BPD and he replied basically: oh yeah, thats definitely what it is. HA Okay so what is it? Short of copying and pasting the DSM-V....  You know what, that's probably the easiest way to do this. Ooooooo cooooool. I am learning quickly now how many of my thoughts and feelings were warped to hell. That the way I treated people in the past has been manipulative and mean solely to protect myself from perceived abandonment or a lack of control. I am currently on the correct medication for this disorder, and have a toolbox full of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) techniques, created spec...

Hey fam, Turns out my hips are structurally sound, but I have osteoarthritis in both SI joints (where your spine attaches to your pelvis).  The doctors tell me thats normal but I'm still skeptical being only 23 and having very painful arthritis.  But what do I know? After fighting and advocating, and a little bit of angel magic, I got to see a pain doctor who began nerve block injections in my back and hips. Now 3 injection sessions in, my pain is fairly manageable with naproxen, baclofen, and tramadol. Kinda. First off, the injections are about 3 needles, distributed with about 25 injections.  Similar in pain to a bunch of flu shots. Totally worth it. Effects take hold immediately and are basically a miracle. I went from being 10% to 70% functional with one session. As we go, we will taper the sessions. I currently go once a week, but that could eventually be once a year. Wow. Magic. NEXT There is still pain.  An osteopath I saw yesterday suggested ...

Hey Fam, it's been awhile. About a year actually, which I apologize for; life has been hectic and topsy-turvy. But I'm back with large updates. The thing I love about writing this blog is it helps me process a lot of things, through writing out my thoughts I understand how I am feeling about news, diagnoses, and all sorts of things. A new diagnosis? Is that what you're teasing Jess? Keep reading, learn more my friend. SO in the last year I have done my first placement with my Behavioural Psych program, brought my grades back up to 80s-90s, developed new mood symptoms that do not relate to depression in any way, and had my joint pain become so severe I started falling.  Like an old woman. Like I cannot get up for 10+ minutes when I fall. Not pleasant. So let us unpack all that. Placement was good! I learned a lot about behaviour therapy and myself. I was in a kindergarten class in a low socio-economic status area.  I have always enjoyed working with kids and thi...

Helloooooo friends! I am going to give you an update on my life! And then plug my new little business venture at the end. Get excited!  So hey. It has been awhile.  I miss you guys.  In all honesty I've thought about writing a post for awhile but just kept putting it off.... I know, I know, I am sorry.  You all mean a lot to me!  Soooo I left you in a pit of my despair.  Luckily for all of us I got better! Mostly. I saw a psychiatrist and have started a new drug Buspirone, on top of my cipralex. It seems to be working.  My mood has been remarkably high lately (like reasonably high, not mania). I have been in a very, very bad pain flare for the last month, but it hasn't drastically effected my mood, which is a win!  I have had a few panic attacks which are not fun, but I'm getting through them.  School is going amazing! I got a 97.5% on a test a little while ago, which is amazing.  I am really proud of myself for working hard and ac...

I could very much be jinxing myself right now. But I figured, if its been a long enough time that I cannot remember what website my blog is on, I should probably update you lovely, caring people. I seem to be coming down from a suicidal episode. Unless its just the weed and once I am sober I will be back on the floor crying. But for now, I seem to be coming back into the world of the living; I showered, brushed my teeth and did the dishes. I know that seems like a basic day, not even an 8th of the chores someone should do daily, but for me (or many people with depression), that is an amazing achievement. Since Thursday evening I have been crying on and off (more on than off) for hours and hours. I have cried in every room in my apartment (including sitting the shower, with the water on) and I got to cry at school in front of all my peers. I did a phenomenal job of convincing myself life was not worth living; that everyone was burdened by me and although they'd be sad I ...